Today is Saturday, July 12, and honestly, it's a surprisingly decent day today.

This is one of those days, y'know, where you can just sit down, kick your feet up, drink a cup of cocoa and just take in, and really enjoy the liberty that this existence called life gives to us.

People often neglect the most important aspect about life: that life is way too short, and sometimes, we really need to remember to just take a moment and appreciate the significance of the good things that we have right now.

Life isn't measured by the materialistic things you have now, but instead the experiences, the moments, the impacts you create for yourself, and for other people - and we should always take a minute to be grateful for the gifts we have in the moment.

And one thing that I'm grateful for, is movies.

I've always been a HUGE film buff, and have had a love for the art of film, and cinematography for a very long time, maybe even since my time in the womb. I honestly feel like movies are God's real gift to humanity... like FUCK decent food, FUCK clean water, FUCK good medicine- because if life doesn't have a decent 1-to 2-hour movie (hopefully directed by Joel and Ethan Coen(LEGENDARY DIRECTORS BTW)) in it, then life ain't worth living, fuckin- life would be comparable to living like a monkey in the jungle with aids at that point; absolute shit.

This evening, I took a trip to the Emagine Theater in East Bethel MN, to go and see the new Jurassic World: Rebirth (Jurassic Park VII) film which had just released earlier this month.

I was really excited to see this movie for 2 reasons:

1. It'd give me an excuse to check out the Emagine East Bethel Theater
2. I've always been a HUGE fan of the Jurassic Park film series.

Usually, for movie theater trips, I head to the AMC (American Multi-Cinema) in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, and for the longest time, that was always my go-to dedicated Movie theater, and Movie theater chain for viewing films.

AMC is good, and all, but the theater chain cannot and will not ever compete against the level of QUALITY and EXCELLENCE that the Emagine movie theater chain presents itself with.

In this blog, I will showcase to you exactly why:

I currently live in the city of Blaine, Minnesota, and I was looking for decent movie theaters closer to me, as opposed to theaters located far away in cities like Coon Rapids.

Although AMC Coon Rapids, is my go-to theater, I really hated the stretch that it took to commute to and from that theater as it was always so so so far, and more importantly: the theater itself was always so jam-packed and over-crowded. I really like my Elbow space, and space away from other people when I'm watching a movie, and with AMC, you can't always really get that unless you purchase the shittier seats.

To add to that, I feel like AMC is slowly degenerizing itself into becoming a cash-grabbing mega-corporation focusing more on sacrificing the quality of the cinematic experience in order to capitalize on the cut costs of doing so, all while overcharging customer's and tricking them into seeing a film, but with shittier personal quality.

I don't know if it's because of inflation (which could be true, given the current economy), or if AMC is turning into a cash-grabbing degenerate big-name-brand that engages in the rip-off merchant circle jerk - I honestly think it's the latter, which is unfortunate, given my eternal loyalty to the AMC brand.

However, with the deterioration of film experience on rise, it's hard for people like me, who actually take movies very seriously, to really enjoy the overall shit-ass theater experience, and as such, am being forced to sadly scout for better, cheaper, and more reliable movie theaters.

In a nutshell, the main purposes of finding a new theater were to:

1. Support theater businesses that isn't affiliated with AMC.
2. Find a theater that's closer to me.
3. Find a new go-to theater to serve as my main one.
4. Find a less crowded, and less popular theater.
5. Find a theater that's cheaper.
6. Find a theater that serves actual food.
7. Find a theater that actually has good customer service.

UNFORTUATELY, I FOUND ONE THAT MEETS ALL OF THAT CRITERIA!

When I found my new, promising theater to go to, I felt like being back in my adolescence, experiencing my first ever boner. I was really excited to visit this spot, as I was curious, and drawn to it's seclusion.

Let me introduce you to the Emagine, East Bethel Theater:

All I literally did, was search up the nearest Movie Theater locations to me, and surprisingly, I wasn't disappointed by the number of different theaters available!

I decided to pick the Emagine, East Bethel Theater because this place was kind of hidden, and I had to actually look for it individually, rather than just Google "nearest theaters to me".

What piqued by curiosity about this place was that it was kind of strange in the way that it was so far out from the city, yet so close to my home location, and also because I had never heard of this theater before, so that added to my own fascination.

Located at 18635 Ulysses St NE, East Bethel, Minnesota, near the charming downtown East Bethel, a small little back-wood city near the Boonies, lies this impressive, and clean-cut theater.

But really, it's like a theater out in the middle of nowhere. Like it so fuckin' secluded, and located far from any actual municipality. Ironically, however, this is the closest theater to me compared to the ones located directly in the cities.

It's an absolute diamond in the rough, and I am really surprised that I never found this spot out beforehand.

• Find a theater that's closer to me? Check ✔️**!**

General information about this particular theater:

Originally opened by Muller Family Theatres in the 1980's. In 2019 it was taken over by Emagine Entertainment, and rebranded into Emagine East Bethel.

Emagine East Bethel is one of 8 Emagine locations in Minnesota.

The Theater's features:

• 10 auditoriums with stadium seating.

• Digital projection with premium formats.

• 3D & Dolby Atmos screens for a unique viewing experience.

• D-Box seats that move with the action.

  The theater is positioned as an affordable, luxury movie-going experience for all ages, part of Emagine Entertainment's chain that operates upscale theatres in Michigan, Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, and Minnesota.

So in way, it serves as a direct, low-key competitor to AMC, as another pillar serving as a monument to the theater industry - but let's just see how well this corporation serves at preserving the sanctity of film viewing.

Even then, I get to support an actual local theater that isn't a huge conglomerate taking advantage of the film and theater industry.

• Support theater businesses that weren't affiliated with AMC? Check ✔️**!**

The outside of the theater was quite timid, and underwhelming. The size of the building was smaller than I had originally anticipated, but I'm not saying that's particularly a bad thing, but from afar, I highly doubt that anyone would see this building and recognize that it's a movie theater.

Maybe that adds to it's charm as a secluded spot.

The entrance was pretty cool, and well decorated though, and I liked it.

Entering directly inside of the theater leads straight to a direct view of the kitchen. The aroma of grilled chicken wings, fresh pizza, and salted popcorn pierced the air within the theater's main lobby, and instilled me with an insatiable hunger and thirst for movie theater gourmet.

This is quite surprising, given the fact that the food at big-name theaters such as AMC is nowhere near as enticing as the food here.

BECAUSE THE FOOD HERE ACTUALLY SMELLS AND LOOKS LIKE EDIBLE FOOD!

The important thing was that they had a pretty wide selection to choose from as well! I didn't expect a movie theater of all places to have such an enhanced menu that rivals that of a diner!

The menu here listed things like: fries, pizza, hot dogs, wings, tacos, and the list goes on!

I was really surprised by it, and I didn't think this was possible. Emagine presents itself as a dine-in theater, in which you can order food, go to your movie, and an associate will come and deliver the food to your seat!

SEE- that's the type of customer service that AMC would never provide. I didn't even think something like this was possible, and I'm pretty impressed.

Theaters like this that value customer satisfaction, and movie enjoyment to the fullest are the type of theaters that we should be supporting, not some shit-ass conglomerate megagiant sucking the money out of movie enjoyers and giving them less-than-satisfactory service.

This is impressive.

Find a theater that serves actual food? Check ✔️!

To the right of the entrance, led to the bar and lobby area. The lobby included this impressive collection of DVDs and VHS copies of films, and I was geekin' out over it. I unfortunately, didn't take any pictures, even though that I wish I did.

It's obvious whoever owns this spot is a fanatic of good film, and film collection. I'm blessed to know that a fellow great connoisseur of film was willing to share their collection of cinematic experiences with the everyday plebians. Had it been me? I would've kept that selection all for myself, locked up behind a bulletproof safe that would be impossible to crack open.

I was really surprised that there was a functioning bar here as well, with an actual bartender, and a variety of drinks to select. At AMC theaters, although there is a bar, it's often seldom operational, and the selection of spirits is limited - again most likely due to the shit-ass cut costs, and the greed of the AMC corporation.

I was really impressed by the active operation of this theater.

To the left of the theater, led to the unmanned box office to purchase tickets, and there wasn't associate there to verify the authenticity of purchased tickets, which was incredibly surprising.

I asked an associate in the kitchen about where to go to verify tickets, and they told me that there isn't any need to verify tickets, and that I could head directly into the theater.

You see, comparing to AMC, at AMC, there is always some associate who won't let you into the theater unless you are able to verify the legitimacy of your purchased ticket, and I always thought that that was the unavoidable norm for theaters, that this was something you'd have to expect.

I was really surprised to find that this theater operates on a complete honor system. There's no security guard checking tickets, and the box office is just a self-service kiosk - you can buy your ticket and walk right in without any human verification. Technically, someone could walk past the kiosk and enter without paying at all, but most people don't because it's simply the right thing to do.

This kind of trust-based system only works when people choose to be honest and do what's right even when no one is watching. It's refreshing to see a business that can operate this way, trusting their customers to pay fairly. When people consistently act with integrity like this, it creates these relaxed, enjoyable experiences where we don't need layers of security and monitoring.

It makes you think - if we could extend this kind of mutual trust and honesty to more areas of life, we might be able to enjoy more freedoms and conveniences without all the barriers and restrictions we usually need to prevent bad behavior.

But I also think it's because this theater is so far out, and secluded, and doesn't have to routinely interact with a certain type of people often, which originate from municipalities, that this honor system could even be reached.

It's isolation and lack of interaction with degenerates from the city, and the suburbs add to it's charm as a golden place for film experience.

Actually, this adds to the charm - fewer people means less crowding and a more enjoyable experience. However, this still doesn't meet my threshold of finding a truly less crowded and less popular theater.

Less popular? Sure- this place is a gemstone in a mine of coal, a needle within a haystack, and is very barren and unknown to the mass, but less crowded? Let's just wait until we head into the actual theater.

Another delicious perk that elevates Emagine above AMC's corporate greed machine? The blessed gift of affordable pricing.

At Emagine, two decent middle seats cost a mere $24. At AMC? You're looking at $32, possibly more - because apparently watching explosions on a big screen now requires taking out a small loan.

BEHOLD: YET ANOTHER REASON WHY EMAGINE FUCKIN' ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHES AMC.

Look, I'm all for supporting theaters financially - they need to keep the lights on, the films running, the soda maker soda makin' and the popcorn poppin'. But when a single movie ticket costs $16-$20, we've officially entered "highway robbery with stadium seating" territory.

Seriously, when did going to the movies become more expensive than a decent dinner? AMC, supposedly one of the "premium" chains, charges premium prices while delivering the cinematic equivalent of gas station sushi. Overpriced tickets, wallet-draining concessions, and the overall quality of a participation trophy.

Fuckin' theater tickets shouldn't be cheap, sure, but they also shouldn't be unreasonable, when it comes to pricing, and given AMCs reputation as one of the "better" theater chains, you'd think they'd at least put in a bit more effort and elbow grease into maintaining their pricing, and viewer quality.

They also shouldn't require you to choose between seeing the latest blockbuster and eating that week. It's this kind of pricing lunacy that's slowly strangling the magic out of moviegoing - one overpriced Junior Mint at a time.

But alas, it's much more easier for conglomerate movie theater megagiant companies to rip off movie fans, than it is to provide a quality viewership for movie.

Like, like, why the fuck would I spent a ton of money just to see a film? Fuckin' AMC is sucking me off from my money, and not the good kind of sucking, like the kind where you get a White girl with blue eyes to suck you off, no- this sucking is like when you're getting your dick sucked by girl inexperienced and is using her teeth, that shit is painful, and uncomfortable. I bet you, if I wanted to pay a hoe to get my dick sucked, that a AMC movie ticket would suffice, given how expensive it is.

At Emagine, they have these cool ass promotions for movie lovers, such as I, to take advantage of: $5 to see a film, PLUS WITH A FREE SMALL POPCORN?

See that's exactly what I'm talking about, that's the type of theater we are supposed to support, the theaters that actual put out promotions so that people can go them every week at a cheap cost, as opposed to charging fools with overpriced tickets, so that they can only see a movie every other week.

This theater knows how to cater to it's film enthusiasts, fr fr.

• Find a theater that's cheaper? Check ✔️!

Further down to the left led straight into the concessions area, and further down from that led to the restrooms, and the theaters.

The concessions had a lively and wide range of different candies, snacks, and sodas to choose from, and was much much more superior compared to other theaters that I've been to.

One thing I like is to have options: You give me one option, then I'm going to opt for the other option. One of the key aspects which makes a movie theater good, in my opinion is providing different options of snacks and confectionaries to clients to choose from.

Comparing this to AMC? Emagine wins straight away. They had cotton candy, licorice, caramel. and a ton of different boxed candies for people to choose from.

IMPORTANTLY: THEY HAD BIG BAGS OF CANDY AVAILABLE - AND NOT JUST THE LITTLE SHIT-EATER BOXES.

Whereas at AMC, there is usually only a single shelf containing mid-tier candies, and tiny little shit-eater boxes.

The pricing was surpassingly reasonable as well, as the pricing of each candy box reflected it's gas station equivalent standard pricing pretty well, albiet a tad bit pricier. But honestly, I'd prefer this rather than AMC pricing and having to fork over an unreasonable $35 for a small box of sour patch kids, skittles, and a medium soda.

These small theaters know one thing, and that thing is to help people save money.

I ended up ordering some Chicken Wings, Onion Rings, and a big bag of Sour Patch Kids. What happened next completely shattered my expectations of what movie theater service could be.

Typically, when you order actual food from a theater, you're stuck waiting around like some kind of concession stand hostage until your order's ready, then you awkwardly juggle your food while rushing to catch the previews.

But this place? They've revolutionized the entire experience. The associate casually informed me that not only did I not need to wait around, but they would personally deliver my hot, fresh food directly to my seat in the auditorium - while I'm already settled in, comfortable, and enjoying the movie.

THAT LEVEL OF SERVICE IS ABSOLUTELY MIND-BLOWING.

This isn't just customer service - this is theatrical hospitality elevated to an art form. They've essentially created a restaurant-quality dining experience that seamlessly integrates with your movie viewing. You get the best of both worlds: gourmet food and premium entertainment, without sacrificing either.

AMC could never dream of this level of sophistication. Most theaters treat you like cattle being herded through a concession line.

But Emagine? They treat you like you're dining at a five-star establishment that just happens to show movies.

Revolutionary doesn't even begin to cover it.

I didn't think I'd get treated like royalty, whilst saving money. It feels good to be treated as the alpha male that I am for once, and really take a moment sulk in the benefits the liberty of life gives to me.

Heading down into hallway leading into the theaters, left this pretty cool empty hallway that made me feel kind of nostalgic.

An absolute liminal space photo right there.

Spaces like this produce a feeling of tranquility and calm, and gives subtle flickers of nostalgia which slows the world around me.

I enjoy liminal spaces, and honestly, it makes me appreciate the beauty of vacancy.

ANYWAYS, let's Compare and Contrast between AMC, and Emagine:

EMAGINE & AMC:

• Nearby, and close to me.
• Serves food.
• 3D & Dolby Atmos screens.
• Multiple auditoriums.

Emagine

• Tempting and appetizing food.
• Wide selection of snacks & confectionaries to choose from.
• Quality customer service.
• Affordable pricing, and weekly specialties.
• Low-key, and less known and crowded.

AMC

• Generic gas station quality food.
• Limited arsenal of snacks & confectionaries to choose from.
• Absent customer service.
• Expensive, and unreasonable pricing, with no weekly specialties.
• Known, crowded, and degenerized by apes.

Now for the Movie:

I had gotten some pretty nice-ass seats in the middle of the theater - not too far, and definitely not too close. The middle seats are hands down the best seats in the house.

That's because when you're sitting too close to the screen in those front row seats, you can't really appreciate the scenes properly since the view becomes too overwhelming and bright. And if you're sitting too far back in those rear rows, the visuals get compressed and lose their impact.

The middle seats are absolutely, without a doubt, the sweet spot, and I was stoked to snag them.

The seats at this theater were some high-tech recliner beauties which were seriously impressive! They were a bit tricky to figure out initially, but once I cracked the code on the settings, I was able to dial in my perfect recline.

I like to lean back ALLLLLLLL THEEEEE WAYYYYYY and put my feet up like I own the place.

The best thing about the seating, however, was that it was not too crowded!

While there was some other viewers watching the movie in the adjacent seats around me- yes, there was not so much people surrounding me to the point to which it would ruin my viewer experience. There was adequate spacing, and you weren't lined up elbow-to-elbow with some of the other movie participants, and squeezed tightly together like some sardines in a tin can.

That's the key to good movie theater seating- understanding that most patrons prefer their space, and enjoy minimal space away from other people.

I feel like majority of people are space-conscious and prefer to not be squished up with other people, especially when viewing films, and this theater knows EXACTLY how to mitigate that problem.

Find a less crowded, and less popular theater? Check ✔️!

Now ACTUALLY for the Movie:

The movie, as expected, follows the same worn-out Jurassic Park formula. It kicks off by introducing us to our eccentric protagonist: Zora Bennett, a retired special ops commando turned ultimate gamer-girl (and no, not trans—shockingly). She’s a tough-as-nails badass who gets roped into a high-risk mission by none other than Martin Krebs, a sleazy multi-millionaire Big Pharma executive.

Krebs, a walking stereotype of pharmaceutical greed, recruits Zora to help him pull off an illegal expedition to—what else?—a deserted island crawling with dangerous dinosaurs. His goal? To harvest dino blood. Why? Because he believes the hemoglobin from three specific dinosaurs might help reverse-engineer a cure for heart disease. The plan: bottle it, brand it, and profit the hell out of it.

The need the extracts from these dinos specifically:

The aquatic Mosasaurus, terrestrial Titanosaurus, and avian Quetzalcoatlus.

AND THESE ARE THE BIGGEST DINOSAURS TO EVER EXIST IN THEIR RESPECTIVE FIELDS.

Next up in the lineup of cartoonish characters is Dr. Henry Loomis, a college-educated paleontologist who somehow qualifies as a dinosaur expert despite never having seen one in the flesh. He’s brought along for scientific credibility, even though he's mostly there to spout exposition and get in the way.

The film’s central theme revolves around the isolation and slow obsolescence of dinosaurs. Once used as commercial pawns in a capitalist playground—think AMC-style corporate exploitation—they’ve since lost their thrill. Humanity got bored. Dino-fever died down within a decade, and these once-glorified creatures were abandoned like failed crypto projects, left to rot on an island near the equator.

So, Martin Krebs puts together a ragtag crew to sneak onto this remote island and milk the remaining dinos for all they're worth. It’s a thinly veiled throwback to the original Jurassic Park, where Dr. Hammond resurrected dinosaurs not for science or the betterment of mankind, but for profit. At least that film had a sense of wonder. This one? Just greed, violence, and uncut pharmaceutical ambition.

Krebs hires Zora not just for her muscle, but because she has connections—friends who can smuggle them into the island undetected, and more importantly: weapons, and a boat. Among her team is a badass Black guy and a few other NPC-tier side characters whose names I honestly forgot, but who still manage to steal a few scenes. Turns out they’re smugglers with past experience dealing with dinosaurs. At first, they refuse to get involved. But once they realize how much money is on the table if they can steal some dinosaur blood? They're in. Fast.

The next group of “main characters” is a dysfunctional Hispanic family on a half-baked seafaring expedition, led by an irresponsible, wannabe-adventurer father. For some reason, this genius decides it’s a good idea to drag his two daughters—and his eldest daughter's deadbeat boyfriend—into the middle of the ocean on a flimsy commercial-grade boat that has no business being out past a damn marina.

Predictably, disaster strikes. They sail too close to the equator—conveniently near Dino Island—and end up getting absolutely wrecked by a massive aquatic dinosaur. Their boat capsizes, they’re shipwrecked, and the whole ordeal ends up highlighting just how unqualified the father is—not just as a sailor, but as a parent.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), the family survives the capsize and manages to send out a distress signal. The ones who respond? You guessed it: the ragtag team of Pharma misfits, who are forced to stage a rescue operation they never signed up for.

The only reason they bother? The ship’s captain—our badass Black guy from earlier—lives by a strict "no man left behind" moral code. He insists on saving the family, even though they’re a liability and clearly doomed to slow everyone down. He makes it clear that this code of his applies to everyone... well, everyone except the millionaire Big Pharma clown who hired them (a bit of foreshadowing there). Still, the captain sticks to his principles because he doesn’t want to be seen as the kind of guy who lets a family die in the middle of the ocean—even if they brought it on themselves.

At this point in the movie, the crew is tracking down some massive, god-tier aquatic Mosasaurus, trying to get a blood sample from it. Naturally, things go sideways. They’re ambushed by a whole damn herd of these sea-monster-sized dinos and are forced to fight them off in pure chaos.

In the middle of all this, our nerdy-ass paleontologist practically creams his pants and decides it’s his moment to shine. This man straight-up nut-bursts his entire soul and volunteers to step up—armed with a giant syringe the size of a javelin—to extract a blood sample from the beast himself.

Against all odds, they actually manage to pull it off. They get the blood. Mission accomplished. Mosasaurus DONE.

But just as they’re catching their breath, they get absolutely gang-rushed by a pack of Spinosauruses. These things are, for some reason, unrealistically aquatic in this version of reality—they swim like orcas and roll deep like a squad. Even more absurd, they seem to have formed some kind of mutualistic relationship with the giant sea dinosaur, as if this is Finding Nemo but with apex predators.

The Spinosauruses' end up attacking the giant ass ship, and the crew are left to fight off for themselves.

Alas here is our first death: one of the bad-ass NPC crew members who had this gun that could paralyze the dinos attacking them, however, his aim was shit, and was justly punished rather quickly, and swooped up and eaten by a Spinosaurus which fuckin' jumped from the water and grabbed his bitch-ass.

In the midst of all the chaos, the eldest daughter from the shipwrecked family scrambles to find a radio to signal for help. But just as she locates it, she’s chased down by the rich multi-millionaire jackass, who tries to stop her. Why? Because if she manages to call for help, the entire top-secret mission gets exposed—and that means he loses out on his shot at money and blowjobs.

What follows is a chaotic scuffle over control of the radio. They're mid-fight when the ship takes a major hit from one of the Spinosauruses—still busy brutally wrecking the other crew members—and the impact nearly sends the girl flying overboard. She barely manages to cling to the edge, holding on for dear life, now face-to-face with the pharma bastard.

For a brief moment, he has the chance to save her. A human moment. But he hesitates. The voices in his head—the greed, the fear, the schizophrenia, the internal monologue of a small-dicked virgin—take over. And instead of pulling her to safety, he lets her fall, and exposes the micropenis that everyone knew he had.

But then—boom. Her boyfriend, testicles forged from solid steel from deepest, darkest, depths of hades, leaps into the ocean after her without hesitation. Her father and little sister follow suit soon after, diving in with life jackets strapped on, separating themselves from the main crew of smugglers and lunatics.

Meanwhile, the ship catches fire. Full-blown inferno. It pulls a full Denethor II meltdown—crashing, burning, and going down in cinematic flames, dragging whatever was left of the mission straight to hell.

The ship comes crashing down straight onto the Dino island like Kamikaze plane ramming into a Naval Warship or a Al-Qaeda plane crashing into a American skyscraper, and the surviving crew members are cast-away'd onto the island, but successfully managing to escape the onslaught on the Spinosauruses.

Meanwhile, it turns out the boyfriend saves his girlfriend, and links up with with the rest of the hispanic family in a cave- or some type of cave, but more importantly; away from the Dildos. They realize that they're left to fend off for themselves, and the teenage girl notifies the family about what that rich asshole did to her.

I can't even remember the Hispanic family member's names tbh, they were THAT forgettable, but essentially, they were told that the island had a inhabited village on it, and that the island was purely geothermal powered, and deduce that if they follow the active geothermal steam pipes, then those pipes will inevitably lead their way to some sort of civilization on this shit island.

But the movie switches scenes between this family, and the smuggling crew.

BACK TO THE SMUGGLING CREW:

The smuggling crew land of the beach bank of the island, wet, moist, but not horny. As they are scraping themselves and salvaging survival gear from the ship, a fuckin' dinosaur snatches one of the NPC crew members, this time, a strong woman, from behind and rapes her to death.

That's 2 NPCs killed so far.

Alas, the main smuggling crew is forced to press onward, trudging through the dense jungle foliage in search of their next target. After hacking their way through vines and prehistoric chaos, they eventually stumble upon a herd of Titanosaurs—massive, majestic, and lumbering like walking skyscrapers.

The scene plays out as a clear homage to the original Jurassic Park moment when the crew first lays eyes on the gentle Brachiosaurs. Except this time, in a nostalgic twist, it's the Titanosaurs—bigger, slower, and somehow even more awe-inspiring.

Cue the wide-eyed stares, the soft orchestral music, and just a touch of wonder before they get back to business. The crew converts an unfortunate Titanosaur victim into a syringe junkie, and successfully extract the blood sample from it, crossing one more dino off the pharmaceutical scavenger hunt list.

Titanosaur? DONE.

Switching scenes back to the low iq Hispanic family, we meet them attempting to figure their way out of the jungle they're in. In turns out that when they followed the geothermal piping and infrastructure deeper and deeper into the dense jungle, they became the target for dinosaurs attempting to rape them as prey.

Luckily, they encounter a river, with a boathouse with a portable inflatable life raft within it!

Obviously, it doesn't take another person with exceptionally high IQ such as I, to deduce that using the boat and navigating down the river as transportation, opposed to navigating through dino-rapist infested jungle is much better alternative.

However, the boathouse they need to use is across the river, and the brave hearted elder teenager, is secretly transgender, and has absolute balls of titanium, and heroically volunteers to retrieve the inflatable raft from within the boathouse.

There is just a teensy weensy problem she has to face, however.... the fact that a huge ass fuckin' Tyranasaurs Rex is catching some Zs right next to the fuckin' boathouse, and any noise she makes might wake it up.

cue, dramatic T-Rex scene, a must-needed ingredient for ANY decent Jurassic Park film, but this one was quite nail-biting.

The elder teenager successfully brings out the inflatable boat, but like the moron she is, inflates it too early and directly infront of the sleeping T-Rex, causing it to create a huge ass farting sound, and waking sleepy beauty up.

~ Also -

Right around this time, the badass Emagine associates showed up with the chicken wings and onion rings I had ordered—delivered directly to my seat. Honestly, that was f***ing cool.

The fine folks at Emagine really know how to do it right. They understand what top-tier movie theater entertainment is all about. You’re treated like royalty, and the whole experience feels like luxury—wings, rings, and a blockbuster on the big screen. Can’t beat it. I'd beat my meat to it.

You see! This type of customer service, and dedication is something that YOU WOULD NEVER SEE AT SHIT-ASS "mEgA tHeAteRs" like AMC!

Another reason why EMAGINE is superior.

The wings were actually surprisingly good, like really good- so were the onion rings. I ate through them within about 5 minutes, lol.

Anyways, back to the movie:

The family gets on the inflatable boat and attempts to head down the river; however, the T-Rex identifies them and gives chase.

I have no idea if it's pure luck, the T-Rex being retarded, or just insane plot armor (probably all three), but the family manages to struggle against the T-Rex successfully and get away.

The T-Rex, however, doesn't give a fuck and still attempts to chase down these humans, despite the fact that, to it, these humans are only, like, what? Bite-sized snacks with no protein? But then again, I ain't hating, because I also would eat a Cheeto puff underneath my bed if I found it—and I would struggle to reach it as well.

Like I said before, I don't know if it's pure luck, the T-Rex being retarded, or just insane plot armor—but the T-Rex is obviously mentally disabled and attempts to bite at the family as they go downstream in their raft.

The T-Rex isn't a complete retard though, and it capsizes the family by tipping the raft over, which causes them to, again, get thrown overboard (damn, this family keeps getting thrown into water because of dinosaurs—what the fuck did they do in a past life to deserve this shit? Must've been Pol Pot supporters or Nazis).

Luckily, the river’s current quickly pulls the family downstream and into a tight passage of rocks that the T-Rex can’t get through. However, the youngest daughter is left stranded—trapped beneath the capsized raft—as the T-Rex slams into it and tears through the material with ease.

For a moment, it seems like she’s gone. Everyone believes the T-Rex has devoured her. But in a sudden burst of hope, she manages to slip away unnoticed, squeezing through the rocks and making it to safety—while the raft, not so lucky, is torn apart and sinks beneath the river.

The T-Rex barrels into the rocks, thrashing and roaring, but ultimately can’t reach the family. Stuck, and defeated, it lets out a final, frustrated roar before turning back. The family—shaken, soaked, and wrapped in thick layers of plot armor—finally breathes a sigh of relief.

Then, out of nowhere, a twist: the raft resurfaces from beneath the water—inflated and undamaged. As it should be, of course, since it's one of those high-tech, impenetrable, condom-manufactured, military-grade rafts designed to withstand practically anything. And just like that, the family climbs back aboard and continues their chaotic, dino-infested expedition down the river.

Switching scenes back to the smugglers group, we meet at the top of a huge ass fuckin' ravine. Their next target for their blood sample: a Quetzalcoatlus.

They track a flock these giant flying creatures to this ravine, and plan to get the blood sample from it. However, they face a problem:

These fuckin' things are huge, around the size of a F-16, and worstly, they fly,

and the genius educated fool paleontologist, recommends the smart idea to just get their blood sample from an egg of a Quetzalcoatlus nest, rather than face one directly, and get anally raped by it.

They suprsingly have a ton of materials, and identify that there possibly could be a nest possibly in cave downwards in the ravine.

They manage to have fuckin' military rappelling gear handy, and rapell down towards some type of ancient man-made temple cave.

See, that's how you know that whoever dumped the dinos here on this island were a bunch of scumbags, not only did they abandon these dinos here, but they also had no respect for the indigenous peoples living on this island, and who, more like than not, were eaten by the dinos.

Where the fuck are White liberals when it comes to this?

Anyways, the main girl, main nerd, and some French speaking NPC character rappel down towards this cave, and suprise surprise, they find a nest with eggs in it.

The next scene is pretty intense:

The crew rappels down into the cave, but only 3 people go down: the badass main character ex-commando girl, the paleontologist nerd, and another NPC who exclusively speaks French - whilst the other crew members stay atop of the ravine in order to keep the rope stuck.

Once inside of the cave, they find a dino nest, with EGGs, and like a neo-liberal abortion clinic, they managed to successfully find an egg and extract it's blood.

The main paleontologist nerd converses with the commando girl about the morality of the mission, that the purpose of the mission is fueled by greed, and instead of fascination for the dinos, and care for the human race. The commando girl refutes that idea, claiming that enough crew members (the NPCs) have already died to progress the mission, and the finances from using the blood samples to create a medicine will outweigh the risk taken because of the mission.

The paleontologist dude, being the ultimate chad, basically says that a ridiculous, selfish, and liberal idea, and that they should make the medicine manufactured from the sample open source and available for the public to help people, rather than hiding it behind some paywall.

However, as fate would have it, the mama Quetzalcoatlus suddenly appears to fuck up and attempt to anally rape our main crew.

It rushes straight into the cave and sees the crew molesting its eggs. Enraged, it immediately attacks. The paleontologist nerd and the ex-commando gamer girl bust out some ninja-level dodges and manage to avoid getting mauled.

But, like the absolute idiots they are, the paleontologist accidentally drops the blood sample, which falls into the ravine below. To make things worse, the dinosaur snaps the rappelling cord holding them together, and the guy plummets out of the cave and down into the ravine, as the gamer girl watches in horror.

The dinosaur then notices the French-speaking NPC still climbing along the cliffside—and straight-up deep-throats him while the main crew desperately tries to pull him up from above.

Chaos erupts as the dino lunges at the crew perched atop the mountain, but through some miracle (and plot armor, once again), they manage to escape getting anally raped.

The paleontologist dude has insane plot armor and lands on jungle foliage that ends up breaking his fall from the ravine, saving his life. To add to that: the blood sample is safely secure and conveniently falls right next to him.

The gamer girl rapels downward from the cave, and the main crew from atop the mountain meet up with them.

AND with the blood sample extracted, they've completed their mission, and now they gotta move on, and escape from the island. Quetzalcoatlus? DONE.

Their next step is to head to the village, because that's where they have a planned helicopter there waiting to pick them up.

Switching scenes back to the Hispanic family, we meet them drifting down the river towards the village, which in actuality, is an abandoned service area for the company (InGen) that was responsible for putting the dinosaurs on this island in the first place.

The drift downwards, overlooking a magnificent sunset, before they dock, and begin to explore the remains of the area.

The other group, the smugglers, somehow manage to coincidentally meet with them, and they group up together.

Luckily, there is no dinosaurs to rape them there, but the teenage girl, is pissed off at the pharma dude for failing to save her in time whilst on the ship, and they almost get into a big fight before the dude pulls out a pistol, and threatens them to stop behaving like apes and to remain calm.

The main gamer girl explains that there will be a helicopter ready at around dawn that will appear, and that they should prepare for it to arrive as it will only be available for about 2 minutes.

However, as the night approaches, another enemy surfaces: mutant dinosaurs.

The gang are suddenly then ambushed by a group of, "Mutadons" some sort of hybrid dinosaurs bred by the original company, and the group are forced to split up and flee.

The rich pharma dude and gamer girl hide underneath a car, the black dude and paleontologist hide inside one of the abandoned laboratories, and the Hispanic family hide inside of an abandoned convenience store.

A Mutadon hunts each of them, and the scene switches to the paleontologist, who, after exploring the ruins of the abandoned labortory: identifies that the original company, InGen, were using the labs to experiment, and genetically engineer new dinosaurs, and that the Mutadon hybrids are a mix of Raptors, and Pterosaurs.

The Mutadons were created by InGen as one of many experimental hybrids at the research facility, and somehow escaped and were able to breach the facility and roam free across the island.

Switching back to the Hispanic family, a pair of mutations attempt to hunt them down inside a convenience store. This entire scene is a clear throwback to the original Jurassic Park moment where the two kids were stuck in the kitchen with the velociraptors. It was kind of nostalgic, and I really enjoyed the throwback.

One of the mutant predators crashes through the ceiling of the store and chases them until they manage to find a ventilation system built into the floor.

Using that vent, the family successfully escapes.

The next scene cuts to the rich pharma guy and the commando girl hiding underneath a car—which, of course, means the mutadon hunting them conveniently can’t find them (thanks to some gay-ass plot armor) and instead wanders around aimlessly like a low-IQ NPC in a zombie video game.

The rich pharma dude spots a key under the car they’re hiding beneath, drops his gun, ditches the lady without hesitation, takes the container containing the dino blood samples, and drives off like a coward—leaving her behind. The commando girl, now alone, flees into the jungle.

The mutadon starts to chase the car but gets distracted when it hears the Hispanic family moving around in the sewer system below. It rips open a sewer grate and dives in after them.

Meanwhile, the badass commando girl—unlike the pharma douche—isn’t a complete pussy. She grabs the gun and takes off running into the sewer to follow the family and take on the mutant head-on.

All the while, the helicopter sent to pick up the crew arrives—but it can’t locate them, since they’re too busy being chased by dinosaurs.

The commando girl eventually links up with the Hispanic family and drops one of the mutadons with her gun like the total badass she is. The family then reunites with the Black dude and the paleontologist at an abandoned research facility.

The Black dude spots a boat nearby and lets the group know it’s their best shot at escape. They make a break for it, doing everything they can to reach the boat—but the goddamn mutadons are still in relentless pursuit.

The paleontologist nerd splits off from the group in a last-ditch effort to find a flare and signal the helicopter of their location. Miraculously… it works.

The Helicopter sees the flare, but unfortunately, in a dramatic twist, it meets an unexpected monster hiding within the fog....

It was this fuckin' insanely huge ass FUCKING DINOSAUR! - or at least, some type of dinosaur, because the thing was fuckin' ugly.

But it was fucking HUGE, and it grabbed the helicopter straight from the sky with it's fuckin hand-type thing, and demolished it into a great blaze of fury!

According to official Jurassic World lore, this ugly thing is called a “D-Rex”—a genetic abomination engineered by InGen as the next big attraction for the new Jurassic World theme park. Naturally, it escaped captivity. Because of course it did.

It’s supposed to be a hybrid of multiple dinosaurs, thrown together to spark public interest—because apparently, people got bored of the classics. T-Rex? Velociraptor? Yawn. Bring on the monster mash.

This is what happens when you play God. But honestly, it also says a lot about us—not just in-universe, but in real life. The D-Rex wasn’t just made to impress park guests—it was made to impress us, the movie audience. Let’s be real: by this point in the franchise, most viewers were tired of the same dinos over and over (raptors, T-Rexes, Spinosauruses... rinse and repeat). So the writers whipped up the D-Rex and the Mutadons as a way to keep things “fresh,” even if it meant ditching realism completely.

I honestly think that's pretty cheap, and pretty lame. The series is about dinosaurs, not abominations, mutations, and other degenerate things.

I want to see real, actual, realistic, dinosaurs in this movie- not some fuckin sci-fi junk because this just seems like a cheap way to keep audiences engaged.

But hey, that’s just my theory.

What’s not a theory is how god-awful this thing looks. It's got a washed-up Fivehead™, four arms—two of them those weird little T-Rex nubs, and two giant clawed hands made for grabbing who-knows-what, and giving giant hand jobs.

Again, I get it. It’s the consequence of playing God—both in-universe and in Hollywood. They ran out of real dinosaurs, so now we’re getting DLC monsters.

The crew manage to escape the Mutadons by locking them away and forcefully close-off the abandoned laboratory.

But now that the helicopter is destroyed, the crew realizes the next best option is to head for the boat.

The giant, ugly, gay, and degenerate D-Rex abomination arrives and targets the crew in an attempt to rape them.

HOWEVER, OUT OF NOWHERE, THE RICH PHARMA MULTI-MILLIONAIRE DUDE COMES CRASHING IN WITH THE CAR THAT HE STOLE EARLIER WHEN HE ABANDONED THE COMMANDO BITCH AND CRASHES RIGHT SMACK INTO THE DICK-REX.

This gives the crew time to run away; however, the fuckin' D-Rex grabs the pharma dude with its giant unrealistic hand, rapes him dramatically, and bites his head off.

Whilst the D-Rex is eating the pharma dude, the pharma dude's corpse is bitten in half and drops the blood samples he was carrying—this is quickly snatched by the commando girl, and they run off to the boat at the marina.

At the marina, the boat is still there—thank God—but unfortunately, it's chained up and stuck, and the machine holding it is malfunctioning.

The noise they're making attracts the D-Rex in their direction, and it eventually corners the group on the marina.

The black dude, with his absolute balls of titanium, grabs a flare and lures the fuckin' D-Rex away, since the D-Rex is suddenly attracted to light. He runs straight into the jungle and lures the D-Rex into chasing him—he is assumed dead.

However, his heroic actions cause the group to get the boat unstuck, and they ride it off the island—in a dramatic and sad twist.

Whilst the black dude is presumed dead, he never actually gets canonically killed on screen, and with the plot armor he has, suddenly fires a flare into the air, signaling that he's still alive and not yet raped—and this causes the group to turn around and rescue him.

He managed to not get raped by the D-Rex. Lucky ass bastard.

With the sanctity of his anus unwithered by the colossal penis of the D-Rex, the group rescues the Token black character, and then they then ride off with the boat and into the sunrise.

As they drive further into the ocean and further away from the gay-ass island on their boat, a herd of dolphins travel alongside them, leaping diligently in the air, and the commando girl gives in to what the paleontologist nerd wanted earlier and agrees to open-source the medicine made from the blood samples they retrieved from the dinosaurs—all whilst a generic sentimental piano Jurassic Park theme plays in the background,

and then the credits roll.

AND THAT WAS THE ENTIRETY OF THE MOVIE!

Overall Movie Review:

To be honest, for an overall review of this movie. I would say there are more good points than there are bad points. I think the movie follows the same overused Jurassic Park trope; a paleontologist is recruited to lead an expedition to a dino island or theme park that is purely motivated by greed, with the inclusion of a different cast of unrelated characters thrown into the chaos, whom the audience is meant to project into.

While I am not saying the movie was bad, I will say, however, that the movie is extremely predictable, and the plot is stale. The characters weren't really that memorable, and more or less, they were more forgettable than anything (referencing the NPCs who were killed).

I think the better points would be given the attention to detail, visuals, and effects given in this movie to represent the dinosaurs, and the way the film gives an emphasis on their extravagance. The visuals captured the essence of what a good Jurassic Park film always must include; Giant and TERRIFYING, Fucking Dinosaurs.

That being said, I won't say that the film is completely bad. But I would say that this is an okay and decent reboot to the franchise, and I'm glad that Jurassic Work is still getting decent traction compared to other works of media which have been milked and degenderized to the core, such Indiana Jones, Star Trek, etc.

The movie wasn't terrible, and was entertaining, and engaging to watch. Overall, I'd give it a good 6.9/10.

Michael Crichton, God rest his soul, would probably be okay with this movie.

Overall Theater Review:

To be honest, this theater, Emagine East Bethel, was one of the best theaters that I've ever been to.

It had everything that other theaters that I've been to don't have: good food menu, spacious seating, and more importantly: quality customer service.

It's like this is the only theater in Minnesota which actually caters to the crowd of film enthusiasts such as I, and is not attempting to skim every person out of a cheap buck.

It's surprises me, given the fact that the level of quality experieced at this particular theater outmatches that of other more "urban" theaters, despite being much cheaper to go to.

Given the circumstances that I've expereinced during my viewing here at this theater, it's marked off nearly all of the requirements I had previous listed for what makes a theater suitable for me:

Support theater businesses that isn't affiliated with AMC?

• The theater is Emagine branded, not affiliated with the money-hungry virgin conglomerate AMC.

Find a theater that's closer to me.

• The theater is closer to where I live, and doesn't require me to sell my soul for gas money.

Find a less crowded, and less popular theater.

• The theater is more remote, and less known by people, and is less crowded.

Find a theater that's cheaper.

• The theater allows for me to not drain my wallet just for a film viewing.

Find a theater that serves actual food.

• The theater has a catalogue of actual decent food

Find a theater that actually has good customer service.

• The fact that theater associates deliver the food to me, is fuckin' crazy. NO OTHER THEATER IN MINNESOTA HAS THIS QUALITY FEATURE.

This is absolutely one of the best theaters that I've been to, and I think it's safe to say that from now on, this will be my go to theater, meaning it passes the final remaining quality needed for a theater to suit me:

Find a new go-to theater to serve as my main one? Check ✔️!

It's official, Emagine East Bethel will now serve as my main theater for film viewing. I will be back at this cool-ass spot, hungry for more, and eyes glued to it's silver screens.

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If you made it this far into the blog, and read through THE ENTIRE THING, I want to give you an sincere thanks. This is one of my longer blogs, and it took about 2 or 3 days to complete. This won't be a common occurance for my blogs, and I plan on making them shorter. But I really wanted to describe almost every element I experienced when viewing this movie, and visiting this theater.

This is a super fuckin' long ass blog, and I can't believe I spent a chunk of my life writing it. Ehh, it's fine.

But still, if you read through all of it - thank you.

Thanks again for reading my blog detailing this movie, and reading about me geekin' out. I appreciate it.

With love,

Devv .