The pain that I feel right now.
dl
Devan,
Come back to this in the future after your pain disappears and you're in a better space.
You remember this:
You made some big mistakes.
But it's okay.
Keep your pinwheel spinning around.
You're also currently listening to:
MAC MILLER – SMALL WORLDS
CURRENT JOYS – SYMPHONIA IX
ALEX G – HOLLOW
Update: 11/9/2025.
I will keep this up for memory. I was gonna delete this later, but i was impressed by my own writing and self-therapy. SO i will keep this up. Hopefully i dont repeat the cycle of heartbreak again.
what did I ever do in a past life to deserve this?
Note to self:
never eat an edible, and do a poetry reading and adventure time binge ever again.
I wrote this while listening to:
Arcade Fire with Owen Pallett - Song on the Beach (From the original soundtrack of the 2013 film "her" directed by Spike Jonze). Incredible film about romance, the meaning of it, and it's impossibility.
Bill Evans "Peace Piece" (from the legendary Jazz musician Bill Evans 1929 - 1980) whose music helped me get through some other gay shit in my life (thanks for the recommendation, J ).
C418 - Sweden - Minecraft Volume Alpha game that hold my childhood memories and high school days with the homies.
on a huge fucking loop
i read Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, 1923. (which this blogpost is about which is suprisingly more eloquent that i would have thought given the fact i was high )
Ho Chi Minh's The Path Which Led Me To Leninism, 1960.
remember this day devan and remember gracie.
CURRENT Price of Bitcoin: $102,046.98
CURRENT Price of Kaspa: $0.05007
It's 2 AM as I write this post to reflect on the recent events in my life, and to assist me with an insatiable insomnia that plagues my rest.
The current events in my life, which have undoubtedly affected my mindset for the worse, have consumed me completely as I write this.
But as I experience this feeling — this hollow feeling of regret and sorrow — I also experience an understanding within myself.
I feel empty, shallow, and hollow.
And with this emptiness, I also find a piece of peace within me.
Break
It reminds me of a text of poetry I read when I was younger, but one I couldn’t understand until this year.
The text comes from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, first published in 1923, specifically from the chapter titled “On Pain.”
For the longest time, I couldn’t quite understand what Gibran meant when I first read this. I understood the theme behind it, but I couldn’t truly understand what it meant until I finally experienced what the text represents myself.
The text in question is this (The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran):
And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.
After rereading this, I finally understand the perspective Gibran illustrated when he wrote it.
To experience pain is to understand pain — and maybe the only real way to truly understand the concept of pain is to be in pain.
Not pain in the physical sense, but pain in the spiritual sense: heartbreak, loss, regret, grief, deception, etc.
I am currently feeling this pain now, but at the same time, I’m also numb to it.
But I’ve already been numb to it, and I’m experiencing it again — this time, however, it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I feel empty, hollow, but I don’t feel hurt. I feel… numb? If that’s the correct word for it.
I feel numb to this pain. I know that it’s supposed to hurt, but I’ve already felt it before, and for some reason, I can’t feel the hurt anymore — though I still feel the pain.
It’s that strange duality where emptiness and peace coexist, where regret and understanding somehow share the same space — if that’s the proper way to phrase it.
But I don’t think it’s a spiritual contradiction; I think it’s because I am actually living out exactly what Gibran was writing about.
The shell is breaking, and it hurts, but something is emerging.
I already felt this hurt before from other people — people insignificant in my life now, but once sources of this pain that had corrupted me, yet were also once sources of joy.
And right now, I feel it again — but the hurt isn’t there. I’ve become immune to it.
Comparing this to Gibran’s writing:
I’ve felt this pain before. It broke me then — shattered the shell completely. No mercy, no warning. Just the crack and the flood of the light of change that I wasn’t ready for.
The stone didn’t ask permission. It split. And what was hidden inside had no choice but to stand in the sun and burn.
I drank the bitter potion once already. I know exactly how it scorches going down, how the physician’s hand feels when it forces the cup to your lips — heavy, unforgiving, necessary.
The pain never left. It lives in me now, quiet and permanent, like scar tissue over a wound that went too deep. But it doesn’t own me anymore. I can’t feel hurt from it.
I know what Gibran knew: pain isn’t the enemy. Pain is the breaking of what needs to break.
The shell was always meant to crack. The seed was always meant to claw its way into the light — the transition from grief to acceptance and then into normalcy.
I was so badly hurt before. But I survived it. The winter came, froze everything, and I watched it all die. Then spring came anyway.
So this pain? I recognize it. Not as something to fear, but as something I’ve already endured and outlasted.
This is what Gibran meant when he said that pain is the remedy. It opens our souls to understanding.
But I can’t really describe this pain that I feel.
“Heartbroken” isn’t right. “Abandoned” is close but wrong. “Rejected”? “Humiliated”? Some nameless hybrid.
And the worst part is I barely even knew her — not like the others before her. No memories, and we never met.
But that’s exactly why it hurts. Not because of her — because of the pattern.
The muscle memory of loss. The reflex of reaching for warmth that was never really mine to hold.
That ache and that longing and the search to find a cure for it again.
I know the cure for my pain, and I have so much of it to give to someone. But I just want it — more than anything — from from someone else.
Maybe that makes me selfish. Maybe it makes me human.
But I tried to make amends for past mistakes, and I got humiliated for it.
And I have to sit with that — with the fact that good intentions don’t guarantee good outcomes.
That sincerity doesn’t protect you from failure.
I did everything I thought was right. I was as genuine as I knew how to be. And it still wasn’t enough.
Maybe the delivery was selfish, but the message was genuine — or as genuine as I could make it.
That’s the hardest lesson: you can do everything correctly and still lose.
Not because you failed, but because that’s just how it works sometimes.
The shell breaks. You stand in the sun. And sometimes, you burn alone.
But I’m glad I tried. Because now I know.
And knowing — even when it hurts — is still better than wondering and regretting it later.
I’m sorry, L.
But this feeling of pain is no different from the feeling of joy.
No different from feelings of fear, sadness, sickness, or acceptance.
It’s the same feeling that passes through the empty husk of someone who has lost everything dear to him and has become numb.
These feelings each drain down into the same lake of life that sustains the well of meaning — balancing out the dehydration of nihilism.
I fuckin’ feel like Pain from Naruto — excluding the mass terrorism that fool did.
But now I understand what he meant — understanding pain through experiencing it.
I feel like Meursault, from Camus’ The Stranger — excluding his moral degeneracy.
I understand his feeling of emptiness, nihilism, and that sense of missing meaning.
I used to think he was edgy and stupid, but now I know how he feels. I understand his mind.
It’s the consequence of losing everything — companionship, education, family.
It leaves you a husk, a broken shell that exposes the moist epidermis of vulnerability, slowly dried by the breeze of pain into the scar of acceptance — and inevitably, understanding.
That is what pain is.
That’s what it represents.
That’s what I now understand.
and now, I'm numb to it.
ill prob look back at this in like 3 months, cringe, and then delete this.
man, i should've replied something witty and shitty to her dude like "hey man, fucking her ain't a flex, because I technically fucked her before you did and she enjoyed it, and let me cum inside of her, so you'll always be second to one, 'lil bro'. "
or, i should have said something like, "that's cool, im glad yall are happy together, but does this mean that we still can't be friends" cuz thats' what I genuinely wanted but knowing her, after she purposefully tried to humiliate me, she prob just miscontrue it. whatever.
im just glad that we are slight still on good terms and she's not choosing to blackmail me.
Devan, this is the you now, speaking to the you in the future. Hopefully you're okay, and in a much better position, and hopefully, you find another person, better than, Hailey, or Cassie, or Lily- someone who would never do this to you.
Th
It is what it is, welp, goodbye Lily.
listen devan,
work on yoself, and release yo app , and yo dropshipping, and do everything you love and enjoy. No school, no women, and you still got family and homies who love and respect you. never forget the people are still here, and take losing cassie, hannah, lily, University, padee, minneapolis council, stirex, johnny, jayden, yo job, computer science, losing everything and everything else away with pride, and acceptance.
DELETE YO MUSIC PLAYLISTS YALL HAD TOGETHER NOW! DELETE THE PHOTO ALBUMS.
theyre not in your life anymore, you dont need to apologize, you already tried, and already understood the pain. now go and fix yo life again, and remember to appreciate the ones you have now while theyre still in it!
you have the looks, personality, talent, stop, stop stop stop being so depressed - move on, and stop being so SAD.
You still have your intelligence. Your will to learn and love. Don't ever lose that will, learn and see everything. Dont be sad anymore, dude. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Forget everything. You have Grace, Gideon, Dala, Mary, James, and all of your friends, your people, your family. Wish the the people who aren't here, the cassies, the hannahs luck with thei rlife, because theyre not in yours anymore. L
just love yo self, and love the ones you still have now. fill that void with you can give to others, because you know how that pain feels, and you can help others experiencing it. some may not understand, you understand you more than anyone else deaven , so stop stop please stop being sad, and when you wake up tomorrow and read this, just know that youre still okay, and that in the end, the pain goes away, and you gotta keep going forward.
With love,
Devan Lee